Stupid fairy tales.

Stupid fairy tales.

So growing up I fantasised about love at a young age, and so every Disney movie became my inspiration to find true love.

But in fantasy form; sounds stupid right?

I grew up watching movies like, the notebook, or any TV show that had a fantasy romance you know? "Walking down the street with music playing as you are walking and then bumping into the one that's meant for you" signs from a god or the universe. True love like a man or woman understanding and loving making love like 50 shades. I wanted a love like that and tried. But I realised I'm the only one who thinks that way, so stupid thinking I'd find true love like the movies/tv shows.

The reason for this long blog is because for all the girls or guys out there who think the same thing as me remember this is reality we don't always get what we want. Movies and tv shows as much as I love them all show a fake love. The ones who understand that good for you. For me I'm heart broken it took me this long to realise it.

I'm still watch my favourite movies and tv shows. But I guess I shouldn't worry about that kind of expectations.

Magic black and white chat room

Magic black and white chat room come join my chatroom! :)

I have made a decision!!!

So I have made a decision, on how I want my life to be.

I decided that I want the person I am with right now! :) why?
Because I can be myself and act immature if I want to be when I'm bored, I don't have to force myself to be somebody I'm not! yes I have to when out and about. But when I'm home skyping with him I feel so happy and safe! being mentally slow and being borderline Autistic isn't the greatest because people look at me like a child...
It's not my fault I mean being Autistic and having a rough childhood, it can make a person lose it! 
Yes I can be both immature and mature it all depends on how I'm being treated if I get my way I'm good and happy and sometimes I feel bad too. I'm 24 with the mind of a 13 year old sometimes but that's because of my disabilities but luckily I have a good man with a good heart who is teaching me new things everyday because he loves me for who I am! :) we have been together for 2 years! and honestly we have had our breaks to soul search and see other people. and we have decided we want each other <3 I love you Clayton Alan Walker. thank you for always being by my side for 7 years, and being together for 2. 

Hey everyone!! :)

Hey everyone so aside my sad blogs, lets do something a little positive and a little less personal lol anyone wanna talk about the show Supernatural with me? I mean come on they are really amazing people on that show! :D I became obsessed after just watching one episode I don't know how they did it but I am so friggen happy with the show it has its moments a lot...but I love Dean and Sam! Castiel too he's pretty amazing its so sad though at what he has become but then remembered everything!
Even Lucifer is funny I like him too I don't like that he's so mean to Sam but he is hilarious!
anyone else like him?
Or do ya'll hate him and still hold a grudge?

Dear best friend where are you?

Dear best friend where are you!?

Hi there where are you? it's been hell since January, I lost my grandmother...I've been sick since late February and it isn't going away no matter what I do...I'm stressing out over my heart problem that may have gotten worst and I'm waiting on results..
I need you man...where are you buddy? 
I have guy problems and I just need you :( 
Yes I'm aware this is personal but I need my bestie back I'm going through hell where are you? I need one of your hugs...

If you didn't do cocaine

dear ex, I know you still love me however you are scared you are terrified of commitment but you want it I know you oh to well, but you sir do drugs you do cocaine and I will not stand losing someone who I had strong feelings for even though you lied and cheated, used me for money I know you have real feelings for me behind all that crap.

We all cheat and lie to cover up something bigger, and you it's drugs I just didn't wanna sit around and wait till you killed yourself, when that day comes I won't go to your funeral but I will go to you're grave and I will sit there for hours trying to talk to your cold dead corps telling you how wrong you were, how stupid you were for the shit you've done and you'll be silent for once you won't argue you'll be laying there in silence you'll be holding my shoulder or holding me close in spirit crying and I'll be there feeling it and pull you away I stopped talking to you because I  know where that life leads you. I can understand you had a rough life before but that can all change you don't need those so called friends look for the ones that care for your life not the drugs you sell, I know you wont listen to me now...but you will when you're dead.

I want you to have a better life no lying, cheating, drugs be you don't be someone for anyone else the you on drugs isn't you \i know you have mental disabilities that can haunt a normal persons nightmares...but don't use drugs as a way to get rid of your demons,

You have your wonderful mom, your amazing step dad!
you had me...you have your best friend who was mine also...you may not have a lot of friends.
But you do have the very few that care and that should matter but if you let your demons take over you, you will lose them all.

The "friends" who only care about you for the drugs wont know the real you when you go, the only ones who will want to remember you will suffer for years even I will if you let the drugs get to you, soon you won't be here and we will all be lost without you're stubborn ass! and your big mouth but we love you with all our hearts do what is right if you see this...and know who you are dear B.L I didn't leave you for the cheating nor the lies its the drugs who made you this way stop them before you just turn into a corpse a lifeless body of nothing.

So here we go again like a ferris wheel.

Hello everyone.
have you ever felt so confused in your life?
have you ever been hurt to the point you just don't know how to "love" anymore?

I'm going through a lot of crazy thoughts right now and let's have a one sided conversation
shall we? 

All my life I never knew how to love properly because my parents always fought in front of me, I never learned how to just fall in love without worry whether it be by man or woman whatever I decided I'm engaged to a man but I have feelings for another and I know I shouldn't be with the guy I'm with if I have feelings for someone else..but what if I say I have a feeling an strong intuition if you will, that he is seeing another woman behind my back?

We live a thousand miles away from each other so the time we spend apart can get lonely when we aren't skyping or texting...he tells me he wants to go to a self defence class when he has nothing to do when he isn't in college or going to work instead of just talking to me.

Normally I would tell him it's alright and do as you please but this feels different.
After everything we've been through in a whole year and four months feels like somethings have changed and I hate pain I hate being alone but I love him so I don't cheat that is disgusting no matter the distance..but this time it's the way he spoke it the way he told me "I just want to socialize with other people you know" and I thought it sounded odd if things got boring shouldn't he be manly to say sweetie things are getting boring wanna switch things up a little have fun? no he took the coward's way out and told me the other way...

Now have you ever felt trapped? lost? I have..I feel like he is with his ex again the ex he claims he hates with a passion.

I know happiness is suppose to come from yourself but it's hard to be happy alone when you hardly have friends to hang out with I'm someone who loves company! 

does anyone else out there feel like he could be trying to let go of the relationship? or am I just losing it because I got hurt so many times I over think because I loved someone once so badly that when he left I was broken for a while..but it was mutual I guess..we both were busy and I feel it will be the same with the man I'm with..but also....

I'm Bi sexual but I feel attracted to woman as well and I have strong feelings for this one I know but even she like me are confused with our sexuality and feelings...I have no idea what to do besides leave the man but its hard on me I get attached to easily..I'm also afraid of being alone its hard to make friends when your mentally delayed hanged out with the wrong people and get hurt and lose them...

So here we go again..I'm alone in my thoughts I don't know what to think someone please help me I'm begging to speak to someone..

crossed lovers.

hello everyone I am here to tell you that I've found my true calling I am a pagan I am best in tarot/playing cards, I think I know the reason me and my true love cannot be together.
It seems every time we try it never works he and I are forbidden to be together but in truth
we love each other.
it may sound something like a fairytale almost but in reality this is the real world I wish I could be his
I miss his kisses I miss his arms around me I miss the laughs and the joy he brought me.
I wish I could be rid of the star crossing I don't wanna end up like Romeo and Juliet,
but maybe someday I wont have a choice..
he makes me happy and I know I made him happy once too we were in deep love once we have
a strong connection.
We are star crossed lovers and I wish that could go away so I can be happy and so can he.
he tries to find happiness in other girls I try in other men but all I do is sin I can never be "pure" till I
have what I need till I have what is meant to be forever with him.
People call me crazy...people call me obsessed you don't know what it's like to be in love with someone you can never be with because the universe stops it and starts it something got us star crossed. I'll never understand it but I have true feelings for him like we've met before I wish
I had a chance with my true love without problems I wish I knew my past life to better understand myself I wish I could be in his arms once more.
I love you my dearest darling.
you and I maybe both sinners but deep down inside we crave each other and you are afraid to admit it.
because your afraid of losing me and a friendship bond we share I will always love you my sweet dearest lost lover be free and happy with who you seek but remember me for I am always here in your heart forever you can't let something good go to waste over fear.

forever in my heart sweet puppy demon.

Hello everyone my name is Tina Goyer now I don't care if the Saint Lawrence veterinary clinic see's this they are just big cry babies wanting money left and right even when you are low paid income people they don't give a crap about your animals! do not send them to the Cornwall Ontario Canada Saint Lawrence veterinary clinic they are a fraud! my mother and I lost a 3 month old puppy a few days ago he had parvo I understand that is a disease that is life threatening but the vet "el Korchi" ?
said that it was only a mild case when in fact it was way worst than that, I wasn't with my mom at the time when she took my fur baby to the vet's office.
But that morning they took him in the second that test came out positive
they did not even weigh him to give him the right amount of medication that he needed!
they murdered my puppy they lied to my mother my mom had called the vet to see how Demon was doing and "the secretary told us he was getting comfortable and that he hasn't been getting sick"
then how on earth did he die within 15 hours? after you had told my mother he was fine!
everyone that works there are liars and frauds all they want is your money they don't even give care to your babies, so think twice and please take your love ones to another vet I cannot stress this enough my poor little Demon is now no longer in pain but my mother is!!
the treatment for him was 1,500 to 1,600 and since he didn't make it even over night they won't even return her money or at least half of it.
please keep in mind I have nothing against vet offices but the Saint Lawrence one is a horrible place now my mom is pretty much broke because lazy ass mother fuckers pardon my language are frauds and killed our fur baby! please share this get the word out that Mr. Korchi is a fraud and doesn't give two shits about our babies fur and all!
Our hearts are broken because we lost the most amazing thing to happen to us he was my birthday gift he was supposed to be mine since I have a slight bit of Autism and I am mentally delayed.
he was a gift from the lord and he was taken too soon we miss you Demon xox.
please everyone do what is right and get that man in jail!
I know my mom doesn't have physical proof but our broken hearts should be enough thank you for taking your time to read this long letter thank you and sorry this was a long rant but I had to say it whether if they see this and try to charge me its your fault our baby is dead anyway why would I give a fuck? goodnight everyone!

Lost.

I am lost and don't know what to do I have no idea who to believe not even myself it is so hard to just sit here and think.
I need my best-friend even if we are away from each other even a text from him makes me feel better,
I know sometimes things maybe rough and that he isn't here physically he is here mentally and in my heart. he always knows what to say I have no idea what to do about the man I am with my mother and my second mum (my best-friend/sister)'s mother tells me that I should follow my guts if my man plans on taking me out of the country and never bring me back home I don't know what to think or say or do but I know one thing my problems go away when I talk to my guy best-friend...even when he's gone away in my heart and in text he's always there even when he isn't really here physically...I am so lost in my own mind even when I try to think of myself it's hard..

Another chance.

So here we are again..my head hurts it's a spinnin' I'm with someone because I'm lonely or do I really like this guy? yeah he makes me happy but I don't feel the same way as I did once with someone else, I never got the chance to be with ..opportunities were there but my anxiety and nerves got the best of me people were in the way.. now that things are dying out I have my chance..but I don't I'm engaged is it meant to be? or is it just a memory?
I'm tired of making mistakes and getting hurt with this guy I don't get hurt but the other one hurt me once, actually they both hurt me..so I don't know what to think anymore no one wants to hear my guy problems it's not just about the guy thoughts in my head it's the thoughts of the mistakes, the fear the choices I could be making..the fear of losing someone who might be worth it then the other it's so hard for me to be with one person and thinking about the other we will all just get hurt if I make the wrong choices I don't know what to say or do I am confused they both give me the benefit of the doubt they both treat me right except the one thing they both did..I'm tired of trying to chose and hurting the people I do care about them both but one means more to me then the other I'm confused on my feelings am I being manipulated again? am I wrong or right?
what do I do? my heart tells me one my brain tells me another..I am so confused...all I want is help before I jump a bridge into hell I know I'll be going I'm lying for my safety god hates me the goddess is probably tired of me complaining no one wants me not a soul the humans do only two but which one should I be with? I don't know what to do can I be happy for once? can I move on from the heart? I need to be with the right guy..I just don't know how to handle this...can I die? can I please be in peace? and not have to worry who I should be with? be worried that anyone cares? I just wanna be a soul free from pain.

Coming out.

So I came out that I was Bi to my fiance and a good friend of mine of over 14 years..
and both of them still love me very much! I am no different from who I used to be before anyone found out although my mom seems to be a little weirded out by it..I'm hoping she'll get used to it soon I just hope if other people find out (like my ex's) that people won't judge me I've been bullied my whole life for who knows why I don't need my gender to be the next reason :/ I am both a girl and boy on the inside I have my days where I feel like a boy someday's I feel like a girl I really like both sides I'll be getting a haircut soon very short hair going for a guys look sort of haha! 
I am so happy that I came out to them :) they are truly the people I love or at least should love! I just hope one day if I decide to go towards women more one day that nothing bad happens I feel like I'd rather be with the girl of my dreams then what's going on now..but then part of me is like it will be a big change and I hate change..it scares me at first.
I'm hoping that people won't make fun of my choice I've always liked both more men then women but I am starting to like women more I hope to find myself soon..

coming out..or maybe?

hey everyone! okay so I have some truth about to be revealed...do not judge me..I have always had the thoughts of dating a girl I've known for a while about 14 years...but I've also dated plenty of guys well because I don't mind guys either..people just tell me it's a phase or that I just like her you're in over you're head blah blah blah....no I've always felt more connected with being guy like I act like a man but look like a lady, I like both! I am Bi I might reveal this to my fiance..who is a loving guy he knows I've had experiences back in high school...some people now know like my mother and my second mummy aka my girl crushes mom! :) they are pretty understanding of how I feel..I guess? I'm just wondering how my fiance will take it..it's got anxiety in my system acting up because I'm afraid of what people will think of me now...well now yall know that yes I do like girls and guys..mostly guys but one girl always had my heart xox..that's all folks! :) <3 keep on being proud of who you are :D <3

stuck in a world that is forever broken.

I'm disabled and on a disability pension...these people don't allow you to get married or they cut you off they tear the only dreams and things you can do apart by not allowing you to do what you want! I'm stuck living this way for the rest of my life I can't work because I found out I wasn't capable to work I can take care of myself I just can't work or ill hurt myself because of memory issues and anxiety now these people don't care if you have family you love and want to help support them because you have a heart and they don't....because they can work and you can't do you see what's wrong with this picture? you can't be happy with yourself because the world doesn't care about anybody but themselves I just wanna be happy and married to someone I love and they are stopping me from it! it breaks my heart that I may never be able to marry and no one gives a fuck! 





ODSP (ontario disability support program) if you really "support" people start doing it the right way! I feel like I wanna kill myself every night knowing things like this isn't fair..thanks ODSP...you're a heartbreak ready to happen! I wish I wasnèt even born because I know myself I can never get married without losing my support when I truly need it with or without being married.....</3 :'(

suicide note ..possibly ..that's if I can't make up my mind..

I make mistakes in my life I made stupid choices but my mind never knows what it truly wants..I am so messed up
I want to commit suicide because I'm tired of letting people I love down...I love my family with all my heart and hey if I go to hell well at least it will be warm! 3:) 
I'd rather be somewhere where I don't have to worry about my life choices and hurting people or getting hurt with the consequences even though I need them..it's driving me to depression goodbye to this world hello to the next one..if I have the courage to say goodbye I will...