I have made a decision!!!

So I have made a decision, on how I want my life to be.

I decided that I want the person I am with right now! :) why?
Because I can be myself and act immature if I want to be when I'm bored, I don't have to force myself to be somebody I'm not! yes I have to when out and about. But when I'm home skyping with him I feel so happy and safe! being mentally slow and being borderline Autistic isn't the greatest because people look at me like a child...
It's not my fault I mean being Autistic and having a rough childhood, it can make a person lose it! 
Yes I can be both immature and mature it all depends on how I'm being treated if I get my way I'm good and happy and sometimes I feel bad too. I'm 24 with the mind of a 13 year old sometimes but that's because of my disabilities but luckily I have a good man with a good heart who is teaching me new things everyday because he loves me for who I am! :) we have been together for 2 years! and honestly we have had our breaks to soul search and see other people. and we have decided we want each other <3 I love you Clayton Alan Walker. thank you for always being by my side for 7 years, and being together for 2. 

Hey everyone!! :)

Hey everyone so aside my sad blogs, lets do something a little positive and a little less personal lol anyone wanna talk about the show Supernatural with me? I mean come on they are really amazing people on that show! :D I became obsessed after just watching one episode I don't know how they did it but I am so friggen happy with the show it has its moments a lot...but I love Dean and Sam! Castiel too he's pretty amazing its so sad though at what he has become but then remembered everything!
Even Lucifer is funny I like him too I don't like that he's so mean to Sam but he is hilarious!
anyone else like him?
Or do ya'll hate him and still hold a grudge?

Dear best friend where are you?

Dear best friend where are you!?

Hi there where are you? it's been hell since January, I lost my grandmother...I've been sick since late February and it isn't going away no matter what I do...I'm stressing out over my heart problem that may have gotten worst and I'm waiting on results..
I need you man...where are you buddy? 
I have guy problems and I just need you :( 
Yes I'm aware this is personal but I need my bestie back I'm going through hell where are you? I need one of your hugs...

If you didn't do cocaine

dear ex, I know you still love me however you are scared you are terrified of commitment but you want it I know you oh to well, but you sir do drugs you do cocaine and I will not stand losing someone who I had strong feelings for even though you lied and cheated, used me for money I know you have real feelings for me behind all that crap.

We all cheat and lie to cover up something bigger, and you it's drugs I just didn't wanna sit around and wait till you killed yourself, when that day comes I won't go to your funeral but I will go to you're grave and I will sit there for hours trying to talk to your cold dead corps telling you how wrong you were, how stupid you were for the shit you've done and you'll be silent for once you won't argue you'll be laying there in silence you'll be holding my shoulder or holding me close in spirit crying and I'll be there feeling it and pull you away I stopped talking to you because I  know where that life leads you. I can understand you had a rough life before but that can all change you don't need those so called friends look for the ones that care for your life not the drugs you sell, I know you wont listen to me now...but you will when you're dead.

I want you to have a better life no lying, cheating, drugs be you don't be someone for anyone else the you on drugs isn't you \i know you have mental disabilities that can haunt a normal persons nightmares...but don't use drugs as a way to get rid of your demons,

You have your wonderful mom, your amazing step dad!
you had me...you have your best friend who was mine also...you may not have a lot of friends.
But you do have the very few that care and that should matter but if you let your demons take over you, you will lose them all.

The "friends" who only care about you for the drugs wont know the real you when you go, the only ones who will want to remember you will suffer for years even I will if you let the drugs get to you, soon you won't be here and we will all be lost without you're stubborn ass! and your big mouth but we love you with all our hearts do what is right if you see this...and know who you are dear B.L I didn't leave you for the cheating nor the lies its the drugs who made you this way stop them before you just turn into a corpse a lifeless body of nothing.

So here we go again like a ferris wheel.

Hello everyone.
have you ever felt so confused in your life?
have you ever been hurt to the point you just don't know how to "love" anymore?

I'm going through a lot of crazy thoughts right now and let's have a one sided conversation
shall we? 

All my life I never knew how to love properly because my parents always fought in front of me, I never learned how to just fall in love without worry whether it be by man or woman whatever I decided I'm engaged to a man but I have feelings for another and I know I shouldn't be with the guy I'm with if I have feelings for someone else..but what if I say I have a feeling an strong intuition if you will, that he is seeing another woman behind my back?

We live a thousand miles away from each other so the time we spend apart can get lonely when we aren't skyping or texting...he tells me he wants to go to a self defence class when he has nothing to do when he isn't in college or going to work instead of just talking to me.

Normally I would tell him it's alright and do as you please but this feels different.
After everything we've been through in a whole year and four months feels like somethings have changed and I hate pain I hate being alone but I love him so I don't cheat that is disgusting no matter the distance..but this time it's the way he spoke it the way he told me "I just want to socialize with other people you know" and I thought it sounded odd if things got boring shouldn't he be manly to say sweetie things are getting boring wanna switch things up a little have fun? no he took the coward's way out and told me the other way...

Now have you ever felt trapped? lost? I have..I feel like he is with his ex again the ex he claims he hates with a passion.

I know happiness is suppose to come from yourself but it's hard to be happy alone when you hardly have friends to hang out with I'm someone who loves company! 

does anyone else out there feel like he could be trying to let go of the relationship? or am I just losing it because I got hurt so many times I over think because I loved someone once so badly that when he left I was broken for a while..but it was mutual I guess..we both were busy and I feel it will be the same with the man I'm with..but also....

I'm Bi sexual but I feel attracted to woman as well and I have strong feelings for this one I know but even she like me are confused with our sexuality and feelings...I have no idea what to do besides leave the man but its hard on me I get attached to easily..I'm also afraid of being alone its hard to make friends when your mentally delayed hanged out with the wrong people and get hurt and lose them...

So here we go again..I'm alone in my thoughts I don't know what to think someone please help me I'm begging to speak to someone..